Band left distraught by loss of guitarist.

This week, the world of club bands was thrown into disarray by the dramatic loss of Craig Thirlwell, guitarist and singer with Opium. A statement from the band was issued at a hastily arranged press conference following the leaking of the news by unknown sources, which simply said :-

"We, the band, are distraught by the loss of someone who, in his relatively short time amongst us, has become a bit podgy. It naturally came as a huge shock to us to realise that wotsisname was no longer going to be part of our lives on a weekly basis and we are all under heavy sedation in order to cope with the loss. On a brighter note, we will be able to share his wages out between us so it's not all that bad really."

Approached for comment, Opium singer Claire Halliday, 37, clearly emotionally drained by the news, said "Hic". She was then led away, obviously in some distress, to a nearby Off Licence.

Details of the exact circumstances of Mr Thirlwell's sad and swift exit from the world of club residency are difficult to come by at this early stage, but it is understood to have been a direct result of what has come to be known as "money".

Scores of celebrities from all over Westerhope Comrades have been paying their tributes to a unique individual.

Alan Nesbit, club Chairman and acting Concert Chairman, said in a moving and emotive address to the people of Westerhope, "I wish they'd do more than five bloody songs". Mr Nesbit continued to rant on about all sorts so our reporter made his excuses and left.

The bar staff managed to sum up their agony and grief with one poignant question, "Wasn't he the one who drank Jim Beam ?"

Several other club luminaries expressed their feelings by going to the bar and getting another pint in.

There will be a special Service of Remembrance later this month at the Westerhope Church of Rock And Roll. A huge crowd is expected to gather to pay its last respects to a man who brought a little light, happiness and body odour to literally tens of people.

The service will feature some of his best known songs performed by the remaining members of Opium and will be followed by a short drinking session in which all present will be encouraged to drink the commemorative Jack Daniels as quickly as possible.

Craig Thirlwell (9/5/95 - 28/9/97)

Craig was, what can only be described as, a guitarist. He could also sing a bit, which was nice.

He joined Opium having been discovered in the legendary Belle Vue Cafe and very soon proved himself to be incapable of singing Mr Blue Sky. However, he overcame this crippling disability to become one of the most accomplished performers that have ever been in Westerhope Comrades resident band over the last year and a bit.

Not only could he play and sing but he could sit the right way on a toilet and fasten his own shoelaces.

He will perhaps be best remembered for his great works in aid of Nana's everywhere and his familiar slogan "You's are all just a bunch of Nana's" will be long remembered in the hushed corridors of Westerhope where his memory will live on until the bar opens.

He leaves behind a singer, drummer, bass player and two musicians.